||[Jul. 22nd, 2010|03:12 pm]
Sean A. Berridge
Last night, despite telling myself I would go to bed early, I stayed up extraordinarily late. I often wonder how I so quickly lose good life habits, and this is it: sleep has negative priority. Perhaps not in the forefront of my mind, as I know restfulness is the crux of many of my problems but subconsciously, I would rather stay up chatting with someone or surfing the web or playing Street Fighter. This is one of the issues I'm hoping I'll be forced to fix when I go to Japan.|
My Japan trip, excursion, journey, quest, adventure is happening in less than a few months. I don't feel as prepared as I could be, but I feel like I could deal with things fine if I had to go tomorrow. I'm a bit frightened, as I always am in new situations, but confident. I've been able to make enough money to cover my ass, something I wasn't sure I would be able to do, so that's certainly set me at ease a little bit.
Often, I wonder if I should have been chosen to go. I feel like it is a great opportunity for me and that I'm extremely lucky and that it might change my life completely, but I can't help but wonder if I deserve to go.
At first, I didn't even want to go. I didn't apply in the first semester, and when people asked why, I shrugged and hmmed and hawed and had no good response. Truthfully, I was too scared to just up and leave and go to a new place. In the second semester, I was coerced by my friend to apply, and with the confidence of doing well in my Japanese studies, I agreed. My friend was incredibly gung-ho and prepared much better than I. I slapped together a few things last minute and didn't even get a proper reference letter from my employer(though that was no fault of my own - just my terrible, terrible place of work). Thankfully, we both got called in for an interview, but I had the upper hand, as I got to go second. When she came out, she told me all the questions they asked, and I was able to prepare. She felt that she made mistakes during the interview; when I did it, I felt like I did it flawlessly.
Sure enough, the next day I was called and I had gotten the award. I felt both ecstatic and terrible at the same time - I was certain, somehow, that she hadn't got it. I didn't call her right away in case she would get a call later in the weekend, but on Monday, I had to tell her. She was a bit depressed, but resilient, promising to apply next semester and try her hardest.
I don't like getting awarded for mediocrity. It's one of my pet peeves. If I don't try, I shouldn't get anything - and yet, much of my life is based on me doing the minimum amount of work for the same results. I blame my job(again), but the hypocrisy is still evident, I'm not denying this. However, I see it more as me pointing out the flaws in the system via my life. Nevertheless, sometimes I wish she had gotten it instead of me. Obviously though, not /that/ much. Otherwise I would have talked to the board about declining the award.